For the past year, Street Roots’ Life on the Streets series has dealt with the many issues people living in extreme poverty may experience. Our vendors have spoken openly about their experiences with scabies, infected feet, the danger and beauty of full-moon nights, how to survive sleeping on concrete during sub-freezing temperatures, and what it feels like to lose every possession, over and over again.
So it was with some surprise that a subject was finally broached that a majority of vendors were reluctant — many even refused — to speak about. That subject was family.
“You can’t ask me about this one,” one vendor explained. “I just can’t go there.”
“It’s like rubbing salt on the wound,” another added.
One vendor broke down when I asked about what lost, found and created family meant to him. He revealed he had recently learned his best friend died of an overdose, and he wasn’t allowed to see her in the hospital before she was taken off life support, though they had been inseparable and took care of each other on the streets for several years.
Another vendor who has struggled with a relentless heroin addiction has two small children he is ashamed to contact.
“I know I’m going to die soon,” he said with great emotion. “I’m scared. But I don’t want my children to see me like this. I’d rather die before I let them see me.”
Another vendor described how his drug addiction had prevented him from being at his father’s side when he died.
“I will never forgive myself for that,” he said. “I can’t even think about it, let alone talk about it.”
Vendors expressed the view that it’s one thing to relate the bare-bones facts of a traumatic childhood, broken marriage or loss of family in a vendor profile; it’s entirely another to speak about how those losses feel, especially during this holiday season.
And so, Life on the Streets hit an unexpected wall. It was clear; asking about the loss of family and friends was off limits because it was just too painful. The message from our vendors was unequivocal: Losing family, for whatever reason, creates social isolation that can be harder to cope with than any physical hardship or material loss.
Losing family and friends as a result of homelessness can be more devastating than losing housing. Most people don’t live for a roof over their head, or for their next meal, they live for their loved ones. The heartbreak and feelings of shame and guilt surrounding broken family ties can create an insurmountable mountain of pain that may prevent someone from taking the myriad steps they need to address a housing crisis.
Addiction is often at the root of homelessness, and addiction is often a way to numb the overwhelming pain. And no matter which came first, addiction or homelessness, substance abuse contributes to a downward spiral when family and loved ones are lost. And when addiction is not a factor, the aggregate effect of living on the streets can create declining health, apathy and loss of desire to act on one’s own behalf. The longer one is homeless, the more difficult it becomes to imagine any other way of life. People on the streets can begin to believe they don’t deserve a home, let alone the right to reclaim a place in a warm circle of family, friends and loved ones.
Family can also be lost simply because someone becomes homeless. Even if the trail to living on the streets involved a lost job, spiraling rents, a protracted illness or a sudden financial reversal, even though the line between housed and unhoused is fluid and can be crossed in an instant, the shame and embarrassment of being homeless often becomes an obstacle to staying in touch with family. No one likes to disappoint family members. And as time goes on, it gets harder and harder. Several vendors indicated they would like to reconnect with family, but they don’t know how. Others were forced to make a complete break for their own safety because of past sexual trauma and domestic violence.
There are a few studies linking the causes of homelessness to grief and loss. One comprehensive three-nation study from 2005 – including the U.S., England and Australia – highlighted the connection between loss of family and homelessness. The death of a loved one, close friend or family member was found to be a major contributing factor for 10% of some 2,500 interviewed. Marriage breakdown triggered homelessness for another 20% of the subjects. Loss of supportive relationships also took a toll, leading to homelessness for one in four participants. A 2010 Canadian study revealed that death of a spouse, divorce, the breakdown of a childhood home, marital infidelity and the loss of a parent all pose substantial risk factors for losing one’s home.
The reaction of our vendors to the subject of family was significant. At the heart of our housing crisis are people who are, like all of us, struggling to love and be loved. Homelessness and addiction compound the pressure on family ties, causing them to suffer and often break. This was literally too painful to talk about, more painful than being robbed, assaulted in a doorway, or suffering from pneumonia with nowhere to rest and recuperate.
Life on the Streets is a periodic column about the parts of homelessness most people don’t talk about.